As I walk along this path
I'm stumbling and falling
Looking for some guidance
Constantly searching for a calling
There’s darkness in all corners
The luminance I begin to chase
A clearer mind and soul
Is what is what I want to embrace
Engulfed by flickers of light
Not wanting to stand still
I want to overcome the confusion
And add strength to my will
So I continue my journey
Feeling both pain and joy
For adulthood awaits me
I'm no longer just a boy
By embarking on these travels
I just hope to feel free
As I find the true answers
To the questions about me...
I told myself that I would steer away from writing poetry in an attempt to embrace the new me. I suppose it's like every major process in life in the sense that it's difficult to let go in an instant. Whether it's an object, a relationship, or a particular behaviour, I guess many of life's lessons are better absorbed when tackled gradually as opposed to directly head on.
I guess I felt that this poem would reflect a more effective introduction for this post. Once again my common theme of "self-discovery" is applied and explored regarding my decisions and thoughts on life.
I guess the feelings expressed in this blog have been developing for a while now. Once again I find myself stuck between a battle of my mind and my heart, this time regarding an outlook on life and what I really want for the future. Simply it’s a debate concerning the idea of “what kind of life do I want to live? Do I still want my own family?" If you asked me this a few years ago or even just few months ago, I would confidently answer “of course!” with no hesitance whatsoever. However these days, it’s a different story. I honestly would need to think about it. I’m not so certain anymore. I realise the very idea may cause some commotion with others and raise some eyebrows, but it’s definitely something I have been thinking a lot about lately...
Growing up, my greatest goal in life was to have a family, be a father to multiple kids as I embrace the Filipino culture of being a family oriented guy. "I'm gonna have at least 7 kids" I would tell my mum as she laughed at me. Don't get me wrong, I will ALWAYS be a family-oriented guy but nowadays, I don't have the same passion and desire to be a husband and father. There are various reasons for that.
One of the main reasons being I question my ability to be a fit husband and father in the future. Do I have the right attitude and enough mental strength to handle all the sacrifices to be made? I suppose parental skills come naturally to most but as a person whom despises unworthy parents, I can't see myself becoming a parent if I can't provide my family with a lifestyle to be proud of.
Maybe I'm thinking too much but I assure you that it's for all the right reasons. I mean, I'm terrible when it comes to earning and saving money. There's always a part of me that will feel the need to rely on other family members to provide me with financial and mental support and despite being 25, I have a lot of growing up to do.
From a physical standpoint. I am constantly injured, no matter how much I try to recover. My genes aren't exactly desirable. Knowing that I already have Gout (which is strong on both sides of the family) and scoliosis , there is history of Cancer, Diabetes, Arthritis and Alzheimers in my genes. I couldn't forgive myself if I deprived my kids of playing with their dad, I couldn't forgive myself if I passed on bad genes to them and I certainly couldn't forgive myself if I introduced my kids and wife to a world where they would have to look after me and my injuries. It's not about me being negative and looking for excuses, it's about me being rational and realistic about my future endeavours. I guess time will tell if my drive to be a loving husband and father returns, for the time being there are other agendas that need to be addressed.
In terms of other agendas, I am referring to my new found desires to travel, live abroad and take in all the cultures and wonders of the world. I think these desires arose only from recent times. I have been overseas but only to Philippines, Singapore, Thailand and Guam. Despite spending a relatively good amount of time abroad, I'm constantly discovering new places and enjoying new experiences on every trip and I yearn for more. I want to experience as much as I can in this short life we are given. I want to see all the places and events/festivals that are constantly promoted on tv. To see, feel, taste, hear, smell all the paradise, world-known landmarks, countries secrets, everything on offer to enjoy, that's my dream.
Ironically my desire to explore the world came about when I would just sit on my ass at home all day browsing through countless tv shows. I constantly came across a variety of shows that showed the beauty of the world and really caught my interest. The amazing race, an idiot abroad, B430, 25 things to try before you die, getaway, and just about every other program shown on the Nat Geo Adventure channel, all basically lured me in and lead me to having a mindset focussed on a new desire to see the world.
By watching The amazing race, not only was I able to observe how travel affected the psyche of the competitors, but I was able to see how the impact particular countries made the same people really appreciate the life they already live. By experiencing the hardships and difficult lifestyles of people in less fortunate (in terms of financially) countries, it was an opportunity for the people involved to not only appreciate what they already have, but to learn and understand new perspectives and experience different cultures (like Carl in an idiot abroad). In a nutshell, its both humbling and inspiring at the same time. I can definitely relate to that same feeling of being humbled as it's all too familiar when I spend time in my homeland of the Philippines. I've witnessed a great deal of locals finding joy in the simplest of things, accepting a life with limited resources and making the most of it. It's an attitude that I wish to learn and apply on a regular basis and really encourage others to learn it also.
On shows like B430 and 25 things to try before you die I was able to see all the fun opportunities available in countries from every continent. The nightlife, festivals and events to attend and enjoy in my youth. The famous landmarks to visit that will make you admire them in awe, and create everlasting memories. The different foods to taste and cultural aspects to absorb. The world has so much to offer so it'll definitely be worth it to save money when possible.
A few months ago, a big part of me wanted to spend time living abroad, in places like Japan, the US or London. Partly because I had relatives there, but mainly due to my depression. During that downward spiral, I had a desire to move to another country, not so much to just run away but to actually start fresh in a different and new environment. But now I just want to spend time living abroad to for the experience and to absorb as much different cultures as possible. I guess it's no coincidence that around 10 of my friends (all in their 20s) are all taking time to travel the world at the same time. I may envy them but I'm definitely happy for them to have taken this opportunity at an age where they can really enjoy themselves (as opposed to being physically limited when senior citizens).
So that's where I stand at this moment. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a one-sided decision. When I see people with their kids laughing like only a parent could laugh then my heart reminds me of my desire to raise my own family, but my mind follows an alternate path influenced by many different factors. Of course, nothing is set in stone and that's how life should be lived, maximum experience and constantly looking forward to the next journey. Whatever the outcome, I am forever grateful to be able to live a life full of options.
I'm stumbling and falling
Looking for some guidance
Constantly searching for a calling
There’s darkness in all corners
The luminance I begin to chase
A clearer mind and soul
Is what is what I want to embrace
Engulfed by flickers of light
Not wanting to stand still
I want to overcome the confusion
And add strength to my will
So I continue my journey
Feeling both pain and joy
For adulthood awaits me
I'm no longer just a boy
By embarking on these travels
I just hope to feel free
As I find the true answers
To the questions about me...
I told myself that I would steer away from writing poetry in an attempt to embrace the new me. I suppose it's like every major process in life in the sense that it's difficult to let go in an instant. Whether it's an object, a relationship, or a particular behaviour, I guess many of life's lessons are better absorbed when tackled gradually as opposed to directly head on.
I guess I felt that this poem would reflect a more effective introduction for this post. Once again my common theme of "self-discovery" is applied and explored regarding my decisions and thoughts on life.
I guess the feelings expressed in this blog have been developing for a while now. Once again I find myself stuck between a battle of my mind and my heart, this time regarding an outlook on life and what I really want for the future. Simply it’s a debate concerning the idea of “what kind of life do I want to live? Do I still want my own family?" If you asked me this a few years ago or even just few months ago, I would confidently answer “of course!” with no hesitance whatsoever. However these days, it’s a different story. I honestly would need to think about it. I’m not so certain anymore. I realise the very idea may cause some commotion with others and raise some eyebrows, but it’s definitely something I have been thinking a lot about lately...
Growing up, my greatest goal in life was to have a family, be a father to multiple kids as I embrace the Filipino culture of being a family oriented guy. "I'm gonna have at least 7 kids" I would tell my mum as she laughed at me. Don't get me wrong, I will ALWAYS be a family-oriented guy but nowadays, I don't have the same passion and desire to be a husband and father. There are various reasons for that.
One of the main reasons being I question my ability to be a fit husband and father in the future. Do I have the right attitude and enough mental strength to handle all the sacrifices to be made? I suppose parental skills come naturally to most but as a person whom despises unworthy parents, I can't see myself becoming a parent if I can't provide my family with a lifestyle to be proud of.
Maybe I'm thinking too much but I assure you that it's for all the right reasons. I mean, I'm terrible when it comes to earning and saving money. There's always a part of me that will feel the need to rely on other family members to provide me with financial and mental support and despite being 25, I have a lot of growing up to do.
From a physical standpoint. I am constantly injured, no matter how much I try to recover. My genes aren't exactly desirable. Knowing that I already have Gout (which is strong on both sides of the family) and scoliosis , there is history of Cancer, Diabetes, Arthritis and Alzheimers in my genes. I couldn't forgive myself if I deprived my kids of playing with their dad, I couldn't forgive myself if I passed on bad genes to them and I certainly couldn't forgive myself if I introduced my kids and wife to a world where they would have to look after me and my injuries. It's not about me being negative and looking for excuses, it's about me being rational and realistic about my future endeavours. I guess time will tell if my drive to be a loving husband and father returns, for the time being there are other agendas that need to be addressed.
In terms of other agendas, I am referring to my new found desires to travel, live abroad and take in all the cultures and wonders of the world. I think these desires arose only from recent times. I have been overseas but only to Philippines, Singapore, Thailand and Guam. Despite spending a relatively good amount of time abroad, I'm constantly discovering new places and enjoying new experiences on every trip and I yearn for more. I want to experience as much as I can in this short life we are given. I want to see all the places and events/festivals that are constantly promoted on tv. To see, feel, taste, hear, smell all the paradise, world-known landmarks, countries secrets, everything on offer to enjoy, that's my dream.
Ironically my desire to explore the world came about when I would just sit on my ass at home all day browsing through countless tv shows. I constantly came across a variety of shows that showed the beauty of the world and really caught my interest. The amazing race, an idiot abroad, B430, 25 things to try before you die, getaway, and just about every other program shown on the Nat Geo Adventure channel, all basically lured me in and lead me to having a mindset focussed on a new desire to see the world.
By watching The amazing race, not only was I able to observe how travel affected the psyche of the competitors, but I was able to see how the impact particular countries made the same people really appreciate the life they already live. By experiencing the hardships and difficult lifestyles of people in less fortunate (in terms of financially) countries, it was an opportunity for the people involved to not only appreciate what they already have, but to learn and understand new perspectives and experience different cultures (like Carl in an idiot abroad). In a nutshell, its both humbling and inspiring at the same time. I can definitely relate to that same feeling of being humbled as it's all too familiar when I spend time in my homeland of the Philippines. I've witnessed a great deal of locals finding joy in the simplest of things, accepting a life with limited resources and making the most of it. It's an attitude that I wish to learn and apply on a regular basis and really encourage others to learn it also.
On shows like B430 and 25 things to try before you die I was able to see all the fun opportunities available in countries from every continent. The nightlife, festivals and events to attend and enjoy in my youth. The famous landmarks to visit that will make you admire them in awe, and create everlasting memories. The different foods to taste and cultural aspects to absorb. The world has so much to offer so it'll definitely be worth it to save money when possible.
A few months ago, a big part of me wanted to spend time living abroad, in places like Japan, the US or London. Partly because I had relatives there, but mainly due to my depression. During that downward spiral, I had a desire to move to another country, not so much to just run away but to actually start fresh in a different and new environment. But now I just want to spend time living abroad to for the experience and to absorb as much different cultures as possible. I guess it's no coincidence that around 10 of my friends (all in their 20s) are all taking time to travel the world at the same time. I may envy them but I'm definitely happy for them to have taken this opportunity at an age where they can really enjoy themselves (as opposed to being physically limited when senior citizens).
So that's where I stand at this moment. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a one-sided decision. When I see people with their kids laughing like only a parent could laugh then my heart reminds me of my desire to raise my own family, but my mind follows an alternate path influenced by many different factors. Of course, nothing is set in stone and that's how life should be lived, maximum experience and constantly looking forward to the next journey. Whatever the outcome, I am forever grateful to be able to live a life full of options.
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