NOTE: This is a poorly written blog that didn't turn out the way I planned. The flow is awful but I still wanted to put it out there because it still has meaning. In some ways, that's just like my life... It's moreso a reflection of how I came to be the person I am today. A blog like a journal entry to look back on later in life. So please excuse all the "I's" and "me's" that were used. I know people don't enjoy hearing those words all the time but sometimes that's just how blogs are.
Mental strength is underrated. For those who really know me know I have this unfortunate tendency to make excuses. It’s not my fault, it’s because... hahaha, just kidding. :P
Whether it’s about not attending events I’ve been invited to, not doing exercise, or not completing assignments, I always found some sort “mental-cushion” in the form of an excuse. For some reason, I felt that my lack of discipline was justified by blaming something or someone else. Through observation, I believe it’s simply because I have always had a fear of getting in trouble and handling it. This child-like mentality has been a constant throughout my whole life.
So what happens now? I guess I'll continue to work on this negative character trait and obtain very useful knowledge from it. I admit to using various forms of excuses to avoid situations, including using my depression, injuries or whatever to escape doing unappealing things. It is who I am, but change can be very effective with a little patience.
This behaviour caught my interest as I reminisced about who I was as a kid vs teenage me vs adult me. In primary school, I was a "goody-goody". I wasn't the smartest, but achieved plenty of awards and did my best to avoid trouble. I was bigger than others, but never bullied anyone. Just another BFG, 'Big Friendly Gook'.
So come to high school. Started off slow being very shy and trying to figure out my place. Took awhile to find a happy medium. But discovered it once I grew familiar with classmates. I befriended the idiots and trouble-makers of each class simply because we shared a similar sense of humour. Together we became class clowns. It was an unfamiliar yet satisfying feeling to be able to make the whole class laugh without getting into trouble. In 8th grade my friends and I had to perform a mini-play in front of the whole class and being a common sleep-deprived teenager I was a bit delirious and couldn't be bothered following the script we wrote. Instead I used a bit of improv and gave a performance of what looked like an inebriated weatherman (we had to perform as a tv news crew). The class absolutely loved it! Surprisingly, so did the teacher Ms. Cahill. She gave me an award for 'model work'. I was encouraged to do a similar performance during a speech for science. Unfortunately our science teacher had a different sense of humour than the rest of us. Shit! Hahaha!
I rarely gave in to peer pressure that lead to trouble. Didn't try smoking or wear casual clothes instead of uniform "because it's cool". I didn't even own a first mobile phone until I was 16. To be honest, my mum was relatively strict on me so I would regress to my childhood frame of mind and fear the thought of getting in trouble. So I learned about picking battles and balancing good and bad behaviour to make class more enjoyable.
Year 10 was the best time in high school. The workload was easy, teachers weren't so strict, none of my friends had dropped out or moved to another school, and of course, the girls were looking good! XP At this stage I learned how to argue with certain teachers and use my good grades against them. I was never a bad-ass student, FAAAAARRRRR from it. But I developed a way of agitating them and getting away with it. I feel bad for my English teacher Mrs. Povey. We would give her shit every lesson, but she was a trooper. She just laughed it off. One time while she was talking to us, I stood up and left the room saying, "miss, I'm goin to piss". She was speechless as the room filled with laughter. What's the big deal you wonder? Well I went to Emmaus Catholic College. A shithouse school with too many rules and you need the teacher to sign your diary, date, time and everything just so you could go relieve yourself.
Upon return, Mrs Povey called me out in front of the class and said, "what has gotten into you Jan? You used to be such a good student." To which I replied, "what do you mean miss? Are you calling me a bad student in front of everyone? That's slack miss!" As a result, she apologised to me. Hahahahaha! Sometimes it's just more fun to be bad.
Then I arrive at the final 2 years of high school. Half of my friends were gone, there weren't as many girls around and my liking toward maths had ceased to exist. The teachers were more strict, the workload was challenging and my ability to communicate with teachers in a charming fashion became more of a habit to argue with them. I found myself in trouble constantly, and was even kicked out of my Maths Class in year 12 with half a year to go. Mrs Palmano was a useless bitch. She couldn't even teach us, we were learning through our top student Steven Day (her included). I was kicked out because she never had comebacks when we would argue. Without warning she kicked out half the class in addition so it didn't look like she wasn't picking on me. The difference is, I was a top 3 student, and they were the bottom 5. That was probably the thing that pissed me off most in high school, along with my best friend cheating on my cousin whom I was close to, and my other best friend trying to steal my girlfriend behind my back... and people wonder why I say and write the things that I do. :S
Now after-high-school-Jan to early-20s-Jan was different again. He was the thinkaholic starting new chapters, constantly making new friends and generally enjoying life despite the challenges. Also known as the guy that is too nice, I found myself doing favour after favour for my female friends. Over those years I went through 5 female best friends who at one point or another may have taken advantage of my niceness (in a bad way) and I found myself being misled and developing feelings that weren't mutual. My expectations had just lead to disappointment as I drifted away from all those girls. Those experiences combined with very unfortunate circumstances in my family life lead to a downward spiral. Enter depression and the fear of trusting others.
Lets skip all that drama and reach the current Jan. Still a little sensitive, still in a bit of pain, but more accepting, more wise and most importantly... happy. My mind, heart and soul have come a looooong way to arrive at a sense of self that embraces my self-worth. I finally accept me for me and if I want to change certain characteristics then I am able to. Negative thoughts, imperfections, insecurities, we all have them. It's just a matter of learning how to approach life with them, by adjusting and adapting.
We all go through changes in mindset and feelings. Some of you have children now and you have a better grasp on priority, same goes to people whom have committed to their careers. Life is a journey of discovery no matter the path chosen. And you don't have to go alone. So as the journey continues, I look forward to meeting and understanding the me of tomorrow.
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